August 2004
By Shabina S. Khatri
Emotional turmoil is a very unique kind of pain. I’ve found it to be particularly potent because it is often the byproduct of some action done to us or committed against us that we have difficulty comprehending. Why, you wonder, did my neighbor throw a party and not invite me? How could that stranger mug me? What did I do to deserve such treatment from my spouse? What we cannot fathom continues to torment us, and since the source of our ache is intangible, we cannot use bandages or medicine to set things straight, nor perform any operation to silence our thoughts and numb our hearts. But there is one cure, prescribed to us by Allah (SWT) and his Messenger (SAW), that can go a long way in saving us from hurting indefinitely: forgiveness.
For the sake of perspective, let us rewind 1400 years and travel back to that fateful day in Taif with our beloved Prophet (SAW). Talk about calamity. The Prophet (SAW) had just lost his closest companion, his wife of 23 years, Khadijah (R), the woman who had always believed in him, comforted him and supported his message. This personal grief was promptly compounded by another loss, that of the Prophet (SAW)’s chief protector and uncle, Abu Talib. This death opened the floodgates for unchecked persecution of the Messenger (SAW) and his brethren, so that practicing Islam in Mecca soon became intolerable.
Searching for relief, and still grieving for the loss of his closest family members, the Prophet (SAW) headed south to Taif and tried to garner support from the town’s leaders. But the people harshly rejected his message, and their taunts and jeers quickly escalated into violence. They pelted the Prophet (SAW) with curses and stones, chasing him out of town, hitting him and cutting him so many times that even his shoes filled with blood. How humiliating it must have been, for this grown man, to be driven from a strange city by a bunch of street urchins, children and servants!
It was at this time that Allah (SWT) put the Angel Gabriel at the Prophet (SAW)’s command – say the word and I will crush this valley town and these cursed people between the mountains. SubhanAllah, what an opportunity. Here was the Prophet (SAW), bruised, aching, seemingly defeated, experiencing indescribable emotional turmoil. Come on, the man had just lost his best friend, his bodyguard, and now this? A lesser man would have taken the deal, and I certainly wouldn’t have faulted him for it. But what choice did our Prophet (SAW) make?
Leave them, for they know not, and inshAllah their progeny will be of the believers one day.
Incredible, talk about practicing what you preach when it comes to forgiveness.
Alhumdullilah, most of us have never undergone such unimaginable hardship. Yet, if our problems are so small-scale, why does forgiveness seem so hard to come by? I’ll be the first to confess, I’ve got this problem, that I like to be right. And it’s not enough just for me to know I’m right, I want other people to know it too. And I want them to admit it. So it’s difficult for me when someone does me wrong but doesn’t accept responsibility for their actions or ask for forgiveness. Why shouldn’t I hold a grudge, if that person isn’t even sorry in the first place? Allah (SWT) is Just and that’s what the Day of Judgment is for, justice.
SubhanAllah. I suppose that’s a satisfactory stance, given that Islam sanctions eye-for-an-eye retribution. But there’s something wrong with that perspective. It doesn’t mesh with what is best for us as Muslims to ascribe to. Who are the believers? Allah (SWT) describes them as “Those who avoid the greater crimes and shameful deeds, and, when they are angry even then forgive (42:37).” In the same surah, Allah (SWT) reminds Muslims that “The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah (42:40).” Those who “show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs (42:43).”
So essentially, it’s a tossup – you have the choice to make someone pay for hurting you or you can wait it out and collect a handsome reward for granting that person clemency in your heart. Which weighs more, sweet revenge or sweet paradise?
I know this is all easier said than done. Believe me, I know emotional turmoil doesn’t go away overnight. But remember, we are not encouraged to forgive simply for the sake of forgiving. It’s prescribed for us because it’s good for us. Think of an experience that has recently left you wounded inside – a slight from a friend, a comment from a family member. The resentment that you harbor, who is it really hurting? It’s like you’re drinking the poison but expecting someone else to suffer the consequences.
Forgiveness sucks the poison out by letting you give up the burden and let go of the pain. It can be something you do for your own sake, more so than for the one who wronged you. It can be done in private and it doesn’t make you weaker because Allah (SWT), the Most Merciful, has promised a great reward for those in His creation that also exercise mercy.
To some people, not forgiving or staying angry acts as a buffer that protects them from feeling true pain. But really, there’s nothing that says forgiveness must be accompanied with forgetting. Resolving your inner turmoil doesn’t mean becoming friends with the person that mugged you or going back to an abusive spouse. It simply allows you to realize that life’s too short to be upset all the time, that it’s just not worth it to punish yourself over something you had no control over.
Think of our role model, our Prophet (SAW). The magnitude of the injustices committed against him was outweighed only by the vastness of his clemency. Imagine if he had not forgiven all those that wronged him, imagine how such a burden would have festered within him and affected his mission. Notice how through forgiveness he (SAW) prevented other people from breaking his spirit. Keep that in mind the next time life throws you a curveball, and inshAllah let us pray that Allah (SWT) permits us to also find the same peace in forgiveness. Ameen.
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